8 Office Holiday Gifts with No Redeeming Value

December 14, 2015

If you want a gift your coworker will cherish forever, you’ve clicked the wrong link.

Office gift exchanges have been a spectacle for decades.  I’ve only participated in a few myself, but I’ve heard enough stories to stand by my opinion. One of the main drivers of this phenomenon is the mandatory participation. No matter how reluctant a coworker may be, everyone is forced to drink this seasonal cocktail of awkwardness and joy.  It doesn’t matter if you chug it with two hands or sip it from a straw, you owe Suzy from Accounting a gift under $20.

Why not make it fun? We like to keep things light at Persio so our chosen theme is a Desk Ornament the recipient must keep on their desk for a period of time. The length of said period is still up for debate, but the absurdity of the gift is not. My personal favorites are funny, annoying, useless and straight-up insulting. The internet is full of funny office holiday gifts and a little research can get you a long way.

To save you time I found eight appropriate gifts for any workplace gift exchange. This is a great starting point and hopefully I will inspire you to find the one perfect gift for that special person you are forced to buy for.  Enjoy!

Tiny Hands


tiny.jpgDoes somebody not like being touched? Now you can make their severe haphephobia a childish game with these tiny hands. Made popular by Kristen Wiig on SNL, tiny hands offer a world of playful possibilities that extend far beyond the holidays. And their tiny fingers.

Moodycards

moody.pngDid you draw the moody person in your office? OH, that's great! Ugh. Nothing is more suitable for the office sourpuss than 24 different moods and messages to warn coworkers of mood swings and temper tantrums. It's also a great way to have fun with the person by changing the card without their knowledge. That won't cause a mood swing at all. 

Office Trophy

trophy.jpgThis can go so many ways: “Office Diva”, “Lamest Jokes”, “Most Likely to Not Shower before a Big Meeting.” The trophy itself is just a physical representation of whatever embarrassing habit or personality trait you choose to highlight. The real gift is calling them out in trophy form.

Emoji Poop Pillow

poop.jpgPerfect for both the Emoji-lover and/or biggest jerk in your office! This is the one and only time that gifting a pile of poop will be considered cute and cuddly. Just imagine the moment when they open it and hug it against their face to feel how soft it is.

Bozo Finger Bop

bozo_finger_bop.jpgEvery office has the guy or gal who averages one meltdown a day. Instead of another hole in the breakroom drywall, now they can flick this 7” inflatable Bozo doll to release their frustrations. WARNING: Creepy clown doll on desk smiling at hostile coworker may actually increase rage.

iArm

iArm.jpgEvery office has a techie who obsesses over phones and tablets. Imagine their face when they unwrap their very own iArm! The only problem is, iArm’s don’t exist - this a fake gift box. You may detect a look of confusion when they unwrap it because techies always know industry hype and releases dates. How you handle their reaction and what you actually put inside the box is up to you.  

Handicorn

handicorn.jpgThis beauty certainly falls under the “Useless” category, but that’s what makes it so exquisite. This majestic finger puppet unicorn will leave your coworker wondering what the heck they’re supposed to do a finger puppet unicorn.  At that moment, be sure to ask what they can’t do with a finger puppet unicorn.  

 

Electronic Yodeling Pickle

pickle_.jpgThis may or may not be what I am getting my chosen colleague for our gift exchange. There’s no fancy description needed here. It’s a plastic pickle that yodels for 12 seconds after you push the button. I just hope they haven’t sold out or jacked the price up.

And there you have it. Hopefully this list has inspired you to explore the vast realm of valueless treasures the internet has to offer. Although worthless in terms of money, there is value attached to the thought and time in the path to purchase. Your coworkers will definitely recognize the lengths you went to, and in the same breath, may even question your mental health a little. That sounds like my kind of gift exchange.